Once again Bendinni the Great leaves his retreat in the Himalayan mountains to spend New Year’s in the Revelstoke mountains to give residents a glimpse of what’s to come in 2017 so they can better plan their lives.
Hence the Top 10 predictions for the coming year.
Update! just a reminder, none of Benbinni’s prognostications have ever come true, keeping his record unblemished for 20 years. His amateur/professional status remains intact. No conflict of interest here. All politicians take heed.
10. After the success of last year’s new attraction at RMR, the management will build a second Mountain Coaster called the Super Splasher, which will shoot people into the Columbia River. A traffic circle will be built into it for those who want to bail out at the last second. Environmentalists will protest its construction claiming that the flying bodies will interfere with and confuse migratory birds.
9. Columbia Park will separate from the rest of Revelstoke. The Columbia Park Secession Movement under the leadership of activist, Maal Kahntent will sever ties with the ‘Stoke and finally win their long-desired independence. When asked how the new municipality could support itself, Mr. Kahntent will say, “We’re going to build a wall down the centre of Highway No. 1 with a large gate at Victoria and the Trans-Canada and Revelstoke will pay for it. Tolls will be charged to enter the new town. They will be doubled for golfers. That’s how we will finally make the golf course profitable”.
8. Revelstoke will finally get a casino, where Work & Play World is now.
7. Australia and Quebec will open embassies here to help build the lacking labour pool. Boomerang and poutine sales will skyrocket.
6. MacKenzie Landing will never be built at the corner of Hay and Mckinnon. Oil will be discovered on the property and, in a heartbeat, City Council will rezone the area to permit a pipeline. The new designation will be P1. The remainder of Upper Arrow Heights will be rezoned FU2.
5. In a protest against ‘parasitic developments’ RMR will build a third Mountain Coaster that will zoom past the units of the Treehouse Hotel next door. The cars will sport large air horns that will blast on approach and departure. The new slider will run 24 hours a day. If that doesn’t work RMR will build a wall to prevent skiing-out to the elevated units AND the Treehouse owner will pay for it. Ah, aren’t good neighbours a beautiful thing?
4. Our new traffic circle will serve as an even greater bonus to Revelstoke. On Canada Day it will be blocked off, a giant maypole will be erected in the centre of it and local maidens dressed in traditional frocks will dance around it, in celebration. Traffic will be detoured around the circle and will, surprising, cause less of a jam.
3. Norm MacDonald, your most beloved MLA, will quit politics and go back to teaching. Of course this fine journal has already told you that but what you don’t know is what he will be teaching. Being the progressive type that he is he will start courses in Privacy Invasion by Drone, Creative Email Hacking, Electronic Election Rigging and How to Create Fake News on Social Media, something the kids can use and like. Norm will say, you’ve got to keep up with the times. Happy retirement, from politics.
2. City Council will proceed with lighting the Columbia River Bridge over the TCH, not with traditional lights but illuminated billboards. Since 2.75 million vehicles cross the bridge in a year, revenue from billboard rentals will be a gold mine for City coffers causing taxes to go down… I promise.
1. Mayor Mark McKee will say, “If I ever find out who Ms. Anne Throap is I’ll call her nasty, give her as many parking tickets as possible and impound her dog until she stops writing critical editorials in this newspaper. Lock her up. Lock her up. Lock her up. I don’t care if that’s not politically correct, I’m not running for office again anyway…now that I’ve made Revelstoke Great Again.”
Alas, my work here is done but instead of returning to my retreat in the Himalayas I will be heading to Washington, DC, and New York. Lord knows they need my help down there desperately. There is also some wild, maniacal sociopath who is claiming he legitimately won the presidential election and is telling bigger whoppers than the Great Bendinni could ever invent. I must investigate. I must also note that said politically puffed-up poop has been great for supplying Bendinni with fodder for comment.
Happy New Year! Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.