Ms. Anne Throap’s inquiring mind needs to know: Do ball caps make you dummer?

Ms. Anne Throap
Ms. Anne Throap

Why is it that when you don a ball cap you become 10% dummer? (That’s  how you spell dumber when you put on a ball cap).

According to Statistics, Me. Revelstoke has one of the highest percentages of ball cap addicts in the nation. In fact, across the bridge, they are referred to as the Big Eddy fedora. This useless piece of apparel is ubiquitous. Sure, it shades your eyes but leaves your ears and neck to get sunburned. The smallest of breezes gets under the peak and bye-bye ball cap. Wear it backwards and you look 20 % dumber and it leaves a ridiculous tan pattern.

Try wearing one with a hoody, in a retail store and see how much attention from the staff you  get… Beep beep! Shoplifter alert!

Why, why on earth do you want to wear someone else’s advertising on your forehead and… pay them the privilege. You probably bought that cap that reads John Deere or Cat or I’m With Stupid. Well, LOL! What does that say when you’re alone? It really does make you appear as dumb as what you’re sporting.

Here’s a tip. If you desperately want the cap that some company is handing out free, don’t tell the rep, “I want it for my collection.” They will immediately think, “I don’t want this thing sitting on a shelf in somebody’s man cave where nobody will see it. ‘Get lost Bubba.’”

Why, does it seem, that attaching a ball cap to your brain makes you say things like, “look at the skookum duallies on that truck, abso-f—ing-lutely and look at those hooters! It makes you sound like a Neanderthal and/or sexist.

Here’s an actual incident: There was a Christmas party for Home Hardware staff and family. All the ladies were dressed to the nines and in at least half a dozen cases they were dragging along their husbands or boyfriends who were wearing blue jeans, a T-shirt and a ball cap. They were such Beau Brummels.

I couldn’t  resist; actually challenging one of them and here’s what happened:

Me: Hey buddy, at least take your hat off at the dinner table.
Him: Why?
Me: Because it makes you look like Mr. Pid.
Him: Who?

Me: Mr. Pid… first name, Stu.

I got a very intellectual reply… the middle finger.

The same thing happens at the Downie and even the Credit Union Christmas parties and probably many others.

So, why this obsessive attachment to ball caps?  The sociologists will say it stems from a deep-rooted insecurity and lack of confidence. It’s comforting — like their blankies when they were children. Most women will agree because they think most men are big sucks, especially when they get a cold.

So, if you have a guy who welds his ball cap to his cranium, show him this article.

Ahh…. on second thought, don’t bother. He won’t get it anyway.

Yours in social satire,
Ms. Anne Throap

Pet Peeve of the Month: Please start using fewer and less properly. Fewer is plural, less is singular. Eg: fewer ball caps would make one less problem. Yes, I know. You hear it being used incorrectly on TV almost all the time. It’s the adversaries attempt to dumb-down their message for the lowest, common denominator audience in an attempt to get big numbers.