Ms. Anne Throap's Genteel Guide to Dealing With Asshats

Ms. Anne Throap
Ms. Anne Throap

If you don’t like seeing the word ‘Asshat‘ in this friendly, neighbourhood Revelstoke journal, don’t read this column.
Asshat is defined by no less a source than the final word on all English language, the Oxford Dictionary as, “a stupid contemptible person.”
The Urban Dictionary says, “a person, of either gender, whose behaviour displays such ignorance/obnoxiousness that you would like to make them wear their own ass as a hat.” The definitions just get more rude from there on.
Now that the highway shopping plaza proposal imploded, for the moment, let’s move on to another ridiculous situation. Asshat Parkers. We have officially joined the Facebook asshat see-click-report revolution along with Kamloops and Salmon Arm. Anyone can join.
It’s a loose knit network of vigilantes who expose publicly, inconsiderate morons who park their vehicles anywhere and anyway they want.
You’ve got 5 seconds to see one in downtown Stoke’. WOW! You did it in 3? Now Facebook it.
A real asshat hot spot is the handicapped zone in front of Malone’s.
“Oh I couldn’t see the yellow curb and the sign because of the snow”. If you are local, not only does that make you an asshat but a liar.
Research says the Asshat Parker Movement started in 1966 in Queens, NY, then petered out — but it’s back again, with a vengeance. It has even prompted a story in our local media, with incriminating pics. Oh the embarrassment of it all. Heh heh heh.
But, there is much more depth to the asshat phenomenon than dorkey drivers.
It extends to, mostly younger males, who think the world is all about them. It’s a pervasive social weakness among those who fancy themselves jocks. However it does cross gender lines.
There’s a column written in the Huffington Post (Aug. 12/14) by Shannon Bradly-Colleary, who describes herself as a Life Coach, Scribe and Tart, entitled, Ten Signs you’re Dating (I’ll add or married to) an Asshat and Five Tips to Avoid Them. This is the very condensed version:

  1.  He never does what he says he’ll do:
  2.  He’s angry and grumpy for no apparent reason;
  3.  He secretly cheats on you;
  4.  You frequently try to break up with him, but you just can’t quit him. (Now who’s the weak one?);
  5.  You suddenly get religion. You pray for God to make him faithful;
  6.  You start therapy;
  7.  You start wearing crystals to clear your chakras;
  8.  You see a shaman or psychic;
  9.  You read Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars (her version of the title); and
  10.  You are unhappy all the time.

Five tips on how avoid asshats completely:

  1.  Do not, under any circumstances, allow your vagina to choose a relationship;
  2.  Wait to have sex;
  3.  Come to know your self worth and demand it be respected;
  4.  Avoid the familiar, especially if you come from a home with damaged people; and
  5.  Give a regular guy/gal a chance.

The original copy is much more detailed but you get the idea.
Here’s what you get an asshat for Christmas. Take a baseball-type cap and form it into the shape of a human posterior. Take the business end of a  whoopee cushion, attach a plastic tube with a rubber bulb to it, then tape it onto the front of the bum-shaped head gear. Place it on your asshat’s head and tell him/her to squeeze bulb. He’ll be amused for hours, maybe to the point where he’ll stop telling his friends to pull my finger but to squeeze my bulb. You can take that invention to the Dragon’s Den, if somebody hasn’t already.
Yours in social sarcasm,
Ms. Anne Throap
PS: Pet peeve of the month — Stop saying NDP Party. That makes the acronym NDPP, which sounds more a like a body function than a body politique.