The Great Bendinni’s Top 10 Psychic Predictions for 2013

The Great Bendinni BSc, FI, MBA
The Great Bendinni BSc, FI, MBA

A Happy New Year to you, but you knew I was going to say that. See! Everybody has clairvoyant capability — and it’s free.

I am honoured to be asked by this fine journal to, once again, reveal to you what’s in store for the coming year in Revelstoke.

I am also proud to tell you that Bendinni is approaching his 10th Anniversary as The Stoke’s premiere prognosticator and remains so due to a perfect record; not one prediction correct… and we hope it stays that way so Bendinni can retain his amateur status. If Bendinni were to turn pro, his publisher would have to pay him and that would certainly be the end of B  The Great.

My / Your Top 10 Psychic Predictions:

10. The Revelstoke Theatre Company will revive the yearly musical when it produces the best attended spring show ever by going classical, opera that is, the Who’s Tommy. There will be a heated discussion over whether to include the song, Fiddle About. After the last performance in the new school/theatre retiring Superintendant Anne Cooper will remark that every night was a sellout but they were all old farts and Zoomers from the Hippy era.

9. Every nightclub and bar in Revelstoke will have 30 km ph speed zones placed in front of them because it will be determined that crossing the street at closing time is a more dangerous situation than keeping the speed restriction in front of a closed school.

8. Revelstoke will be peppered with another type of smart meter, for water, but immediately following the announcement a protest group will gather at Grizzly Plaza wearing SCUBA masks.

Those with toques and dogs, on leashes of course, will hand out pamphlets saying the new L.L Ls (‘lectronic Liquid Loggers) will allow invasions of privacy explaining that the water in the pipes will act as a very long camera lens allowing the new Smarties to photograph you and whatever you are doing anytime you use a water carrying fixture in your home, and, ‘think about what they might see from the bathroom!’

7. New sidewalk signs will appear, painted on the concrete, beside the current white, warning,  labels. The new message will be, ‘JUST KIDDING’ to which Mayor Raven will respond: “Who says Revelstoke doesn’t have a sense of humour? Next year, parking meters…  smart parking meters!”

6. The federal government will cease to ‘surplus’ jobs at Parks Canada and begin to simulate employment at Revelstoke and Glacier National Parks by hiring 252 cartoonists, graphic artists, set designers and producers to open a new theme park at Rogers Pass. The project will be headed by local cartoonist and impresario, Rob Buchanan who will invent the Avalanche Simulator Ride that will eclipse any Disney attraction. This will also be a rare incident of a government winning an award from the Canadian Federation of Business for digging out of tough times by creating employment, instead of cutting jobs.

5. The local sign bylaw will be relaxed to allow flashing and sequenced lights, year ’round (just like Vegas) to accommodate the new super-casino and monster truck arena.

4. CBC radio will re-instate Kelowna as the source of Revelstoke’s national/local programming putting us back into the same electoral area. Former councilor and mayoral candidate Bill MacFarlane will exclaim, ”It’s about time. It’s too hard to win a CBC mug from Kamloops.”

3. Revelstoke, the Province and Revelstoke Mountain Resort will announce plans to replace the aging bridge over the Illecil… (whatever) River with a tunnel. (The old bridge will stay as a bike path.) This will be a very deep tunnel with an underground mall and a wave pool. The advantages will be legion: no more skier traffic jams; no snow removal required; no rainy days but, most of all, RMR will build a gondola that runs down under to the mall giving it the bragging and promotional rights to the now, most-lift-serviced vertical in the world!

2. The Rotary clock in Grizzly Plaza will run another full year, keeping perfect time. (keep in mind Bendinni’s record for accuracy).

And now… the prediction you’ve all been waiting for!

1. Everybody will be happy with the new municipal budget and resultant tax rate! The long-predicted population growth to 15,000 will create a larger taxpayer base so taxes can be reduced and services increased. A bulging surplus will buy us a new arena. Extra deep cuts to commercial taxes will give Revelstoke the lowest business-tax rate in the province… and… it will be two (2 — count ’em — 2) years before you’ll hear those promises again and again and again…

Bendinni must now return to his Himalayan meditation retreat to recharge his all-seeing powers. (I hope Depak isn’t squatting in it again.)

All the best for the coming year and never look back. There’s no future in nostalgia.