A Rev-ified superhero

John Devitt

Breaking box office records, Marvel’s The Avengers is gripping the world in superhero fever and fast becoming one of the most successful films of all time.  The Avengers come together to help a society that needs them.  What would superheroes in Revelstoke be like with the problems our society faces?  Higher Ground sought to answer that question.

The Va-poo-rizer:  With the ability to control fecal matter, the Va-poo-rizer eliminates dog poo left by inconsiderate dog owners on sidewalks and front lawns before you step in it.  More often than not, this superhero arrives just in the nick of time.  However, during the spring thaw when the snow reveals hundreds of piles of dog poo, he often comes just a little too late.  When this happens, the Va-poo-rizer is able to “vapoorize” the offensive-smelling turd from your shoe just as easily.

Captain Snowman:  Hailing from an icy, snow covered planet in a distant solar system, Captain Snowman has the power to control snowfall.  Whenever there has been less 30 centimetres in a day, Captain Snowman can “bring the powder”.  Not only can Captain Snowman bring snow to the ground, but he also has the power to move it from location to location.  When you are stuck spinning your wheels before leaving for RMR, Captain Snowman can whisk all that snow out from under your car and pile it nicely into a snow fort in your front lawn.  When first arriving to town, the City of Revelstoke attempted to control Captain Snowman and force him to work long hours for Public Works clearing roads.  However, Captain Snowman would not be swayed by “the man” and instead chose to use his powers for all!

Magic Business Man:  Simply by standing on any given sidewalk, Magic Business Man has the power to magically drive business to all shops and stores within a one-block radius and increase business by 150% as long as he is present.  Occasionally, Magic Business Man is accompanied by his sidekick, Better Marketing Lad.

The Price-inator:  The Price-inator can quickly and easily compute the exact cost of buying a product out of town.  Factoring in gas, vehicle wear, time and money spent, the Price-inator can give you an immediate determination if it’s worth your while to shop local or head out of town.

Super Fiscally Prudent Monkey:  It’s often said, even a monkey can balance a budget, this monkey proves the point.  Developed in a laboratory by a crack team of scientists, the Super Fiscally Prudent Monkey was designed to manipulate the stock market.  Rebelling against his programmers, Monkey vowed to use his newfound mathematics prowess for the forces of good.  Armed with a coupon book, a slide ruler and a typewriter this furry little guy can realize efficiencies for any municipal budget.   The monkey is also very adept at writing additional Twilight sequels.

Enviromaster:  The Enviromaster is capable of rectifying any non-environmentally sound practice occurring.  Left your vehicle idling?  The Enviromaster can transform this into an electric scooter.  Buying out of town produce?  The Enviromaster can quickly turn your driveway into a high yield organic garden.  The Enviromaster can also telepathically communicate information on how to conserve in everyday life and recycle seemingly useless garbage into decorative ornaments and wall hangings.

Condescending Parent Girl:  Whether or not you’ve been wondering if you’re feeding your new baby the right kind of organic infant paste, Condescending Parent Girl will be sure to tell you.  If you’re questioning whether your stroller is ergonomically supportive of your child’s growing bones, this super lady will swoop in and be sure to point out how the fabric is made in China with child labour and will have the unfortunate side effect of giving your child control issues later in life.  When raising your child whether you’ve been looking for parenting advice or not, Condescending Parent Girl will be sure to tell you the “right” way it should be done, ensuring all our young people grow up socially conscious.

The Caffeinator:  Little is known about the mysterious Caffeinator.  It is believed that the Caffeinator is actually affiliated with one of the many coffee oriented businesses in Revelstoke.  What is known is the Caffeinator’s extremely high tolerance for caffeine single handedly supports the wages of all coffee shop employees in Revelstoke.  Able to consume copious amounts of caffeine, the Caffeinator utilizes the tremendous energy buzz to quickly wave hello and bring everyone up to speed on all the news going on in Revelstoke that day.  Do you feel like you’ve missed a juicy rumour or tidbit of gossip?  Fear not for the Caffeinator will likely be speed walking down a street near you in no time to ensure that your day does not lack fast paced friendly conversation.

Any creative folks out there want to add to the list?  Post your own Revy Superhero in the comments!