Seldom before, in history, have so many waited so eagerly for one being to be so totally wrong.
I taste your anxiety but be assured Bendinni will still not let you down, again, this year. He will continue to viciously protect his amateur status, even under threat of being involuntarily inducted into the Union of Professional Psychics (U.P.P.). After all, Bendinni would never charge for something we are all capable of conjuring in our own subconscious. Lord, no! Bendinni could lose his perfect record of not one correct prognostication. Zounds! If he were to inadvertently get one or two clairvoyances right and then charge for the service, well, he couldn’t live with that and would probably join a monastery as penance.
So to remain poor and pure of motive and intent Bendinni offers these paranormal peeks into the future.
10. All Telus services will work 100% of the time.
9. In an effort to fix the drinking water problem for Area B residents Revelstoke Mountain Resort will discover a new source of HOLY water which will make pilgrimages to RMR and vicinity a huge source of endless profit. Area B residents will then ask Revelstoke if we wish to join THEM.
8. Following on the heels of the development of the Parabolic ski one of Revelstoke’s newest entrepreneurs and inventors will offer another quantum leap in technology for snow boarders; a custom-built board that will tell first-time boarders what foot they are and predict when the rider’s pants are about to fall all the way down, sounding an alarm just before the rider’s strides hit the deck. He will call it The Paranormal.
7. A local contractor will hit upon the idea of opening a combination pub and hardware store in the industrial basin and call it COR RONA. The side feature will be Rusty Nails.
6. Revelstoke drivers will stop riding the brakes all the way down Illecillewaet hill, stop parking in yellow curb zones and refrain from speeding on Victoria Rd. (and pigs will fly, hell will freeze over and Dale Morehouse will stop wearing shorts in the dead of winter).
5. Revelstoke residents, en masse, will reject the new B.C. Hydro Smart Meters after ace, investigative reporter “Scoop” Rooney breaks the story that the meters were developed at the highly secretive Mica Skunk Works to clandestinely broadcast barely detectable theta rays to actually increase everyone’s I. Q. by 10 points (Hydro’s gift to the world). City Councillors, however, will then wear aluminum foil hats to every meeting.
4. City taxes will be cut by 20% and services will be increased by an equal amount. Why not? A similar tactic snagged Harper a majority government… for now.
3. Revelstoke airport will be expanded to allow its use by Jumbo Jets; big enough to accommodate regular shopping flights to Kelowna and yes, oh dream of dreams, Edmonton.
2. During a budget debate on recycling and garbage collection Mayor Raven will reinforce his status as the Prime Purveyor of Putrid Puns when he states, “During tough times the garbage-man has the most secure job. Business is always picking up.”
1. Housing prices in Revelstoke will drop by 30%. Aha! Bendinni can use this prediction for the next 10 years, at least, and never lose his amateur status.
Happy New Year and always look ahead. There is no going back, only going forward, unless you’re an antique dealer.
The Great Bendini is, well, you-know-who